Percy Jackson and the Potato Farm
by ninjamormon
Summary: Just read it.
1. 1 Potatoes Change My Life

Hey everyone! This is my first story, so don't hurt me too much.

This disclaimer applies to this WHOLE ENTIRE FREAKING STORY! yay. Rick Riordan owns all the characters and previous Percy-doings. I'm clearly not Rick Riordan. I'm only a girl. :D

No copying my stories, fools. (not that I think you will... this story is going to be pretty aflack)

Hope you enjoy everyone!

P.S. This story is best read with potatoes nearby, for effect.

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Percy Jackson and the Potato Farm

Chapter One: Potatoes Change My Life

I woke up feeling great. Yesterday I defeated Kronos.

Well, what do I do with my life now?

My mother called my name then.

"Percy, honey, are you awake? Because I made your favorite breakfast: blue hamburgers, blue pizza, and blue chocolate milk. Oh, and don't forget blue potatoes."

I grinned-a very wide grin, it was, for that matter-and giggled involuntarily. Food in general makes me happy, but blue hamburgers? Blue pizza? Blue chocolate milk? Heaven. And blue POTATOES? Better than Annabeth and her shiny locks of golden sandy blonde hair. Like, seriously, if I had to choose between her and blue potatoes, I'd choose the sapphire spuds.

I traveled down the hallway on a water stream I pulled from my goldfish bowl, just to be overly dramatic when exhibiting my incredible happiness to my mother at breakfast.

I got to the table and froze the water into the shape of a royal throne, which I sat upon.

"Percy, dear, I made this special, just for you. It's to celebrate your heroism that you demonstrated yesterday. You totally obliterated that fiend Kronos. You were like a boss."

"Thanks, mom. You are the best."

We ate and I saved the best for last. Finally, I started to dig into my blue potatoes, until I realized...

"WHAT?!" I screamed in fury.

My mother seemed confused. "What is it, Percy, dear?"

Green fire filled my eyes. "Mother, you have deceived me. These are not real potatoes. These are but potato flakes!"

My mother began to cry. She stuttered, "I'm...I'm s-so sorry, Percy dear, I-I meant to t-tell you before...we...we...we are...we..."

"What is it, mother? We are what?" I asked in urgency.

"We are out of potatoes." She quickly looked down. "There, I said it. And for that, I am sorry."

I was baffled. Confused, distraught, even. Why must bad things happen to good people?

I saved the world. All of it but my one true love, blue potatoes.

Tears began to roll down my cheeks, matching those of my mother.

I nearly decided that it was time for me to begin a new chapter of my life: depression. That is, until a thought occurred to me. It was literally as if a blue neon light bulb had gone off in my head.

I turned to face my mother. She slowly looked up at me with a hopeless expression written on her face.

"I know what I need to do now, mom. I need to become..." I whipped my hair around dramatically, "...a potato farmer."

She gasped, but then slowly smiled. She nodded and I marched off triumphantly out the door, ready to become a hero once again.


	2. 2 I Disappoint My Shady Friend

I'M BA-ACK! You likey? Or no likey? Do tell. Mama feel ill today. Mama want some feedback, yo.

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Chapter Two: I Disappoint My Shady Friend

As I walked out the door I felt great. Even though this disturbing dilemma of potato deficiency in my apartment should have been eating me alive, I felt this strange new sense of adventure, like my life had meaning.

As I walked out of my apartment complex I tripped on something. That's funny, I never trip on things. I looked up and saw Nico's hairy leg outstretched across the path. He was laughing at me.

"Ha! Percy, I get you every time!"

"That's the first time you've ever tripped me, Nico..." I reminded him.

"Ah well. How you been, Percy? I haven't seen you for years."

"Nico, we saw each other just yesterday. Remember, at the Empire State Building? And you told me about Rachel taking Blackjack to Camp Halfblood?" I sighed. He wasn't even listening to me. I give up.

"Percy, you seem...different. What's changed?" He asked, obviously having acknowledged my new aura of adventure.

"It's my new call in life. Nico, I'm going to become a potato farmer."

He had a look of utter shock on his face. He just stared at me.

"Well...say something..." I said awkwardly.

But he didn't. He wouldn't. No...he couldn't.

He stood up in disappointment, turned around, and walked a few steps. He stopped, gave me one last glance, then vanished in that creepy traveling shadow of his.

Well, now I know that I have one friend who doesn't support me in my decision. He must think that because I saved the world, I am capable of greater occupations.

Little does he know that the most important occupation out their is that of a potato farmer-at least, in my eyes.

I don't care what other people think! This is my purpose in life! This is my duty, my obligation! I can't back down out of peer pressure. And besides, all Nico can do is be creepy. He's certainly one to talk.

I began to walk to the Walmart down a few blocks, confident that this was the right path for me.


	3. 3 I Am Weak

WASSUP? Me? I've just been playing with fake teeth that I won at an arcade. They've inspired me to write this chapter. Enjoy. And brush yo teeth, kids.

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Percy Jackson and the Potato Farm

Chapter 3: I Am Weak

I walked into Walmart and this old door greeter guy just stared at me, smiling obnoxiously. I could see that he had dentures.

I waved at him just to curb his ego a little bit, but soon regretted it; he interpreted the friendly gesture as an invitation to initiate conversation.

"Hey, sonny boy! What are you up to at this time of night? Isn't it after your curfew?"

I looked down at the blue watch on my wrist. "Um...it's 9:47 in the morning, sir."

"When I was your age, I was mowing lawns. I was delivering newspapers on my two-speed bicycle. I was washing cars. And, young man, you're just shopping at Walmart." He shook his fist angrily in the air.

I was so confused. "So, uh...something tells me you really don't enjoy working at a place like Walmart..."

"Boy! Give me fifty push-ups. I served in the military! I fought in Vietnam! I think I know how to keep my priorities straight. Drop and give me fifty, let's go!"

I started to walk away, but he grabbed me and pushed me to the ground. "Make that seventy-five!"

"Sir, I can't do push-ups, I am weak."

"Don't sass me, boy! Make that one hundred! Come on, boy!"

"Henry, leave that poor boy alone!" came a different voice.

It was another employee. She shooed him away as he muttered something about how ungrateful and wimpy teenagers are these days.

She helped me up off the floor. "I'm so sorry! Henry needs to retire. This was his third episode this week!

"That's ok, it was...fun," I said.

"Here, have this. I hope you're ok." She handed me a fifty dollar Walmart gift card.

I couldn't believe it. Maybe Poseidon really was watching over me.

"Wow, thanks!" I told her. She smiled and walked away.

This was perfect. Just what I needed to buy my farming equipment.

I grinned and skipped away to the gardening section.

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R&R, fools! I'm lonely.


	4. Chapter 4: Grapes of Wrath Destroy Me

Chapter 4: Grapes of wrath destroy me

I entered the gardening section at Walmart and felt a wave of confidence come over me. It felt so...real. It was as if the potting soil was whispering to me, "Percy, we've been waiting for you!"

An employee greeted me. "Hey-yo, young man, how might I help you on this fine sunny day?" He was short and plump with dark hair and a comical handlebar mustache.

"Yes, sir," I replied. "I was wondering if you could help me find the tools I need to start a potato farm."

He looked astonished. "A potato farm? I would have suspected better from you, Mr. Jackson..."

I was confused. "How do you know my name-"

He ripped off his apparently fake mustache, revealing his true identity.

I gasped. "Mr. D? Whaaa-"

He offered an evil laugh and then belched loudly. "Well if it isn't Peter Johnson! My, you've gotten fat since I last saw you..."

I looked down at my flat belly in confusion. "Mr. D...I assure you, I am not fat..."

"Shut up, you emo child! I am never wrong! How dare you defy my supreme logic!" he spat at me.

I wiped his saliva off of my face. "Mr. D...I didn't come here for you to insult me. I came here with a dream to fulfill. And besides, you're the emo here, not me; studies have shown that bullies tend to be insecure about themselves. Additionally, insecure people tend to eat a lot. You're one to talk about my weight, all you do is sit around and eat grapes! So that means you're the fat one. I mean, come on, look at the size of that belly!" I gestured at his pudgy gut.

His face became purple with rage. "Peter Johnson, I will annihilate your organs!"

Suddenly he waved at a vine behind him. A swarm of red grapes flew at me at thirty miles an hour. Being caught off guard, I was unable to dodge the fruity bullets. Fifteen or so hit me squarely in the chest, and a few on my neck and face. I fell to the ground in agony.

Mr. D laughed evilly once again and said, "Ha! I have slain the mighty Peter Johnson at last! Who's the chosen one now? Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa!"

Suddenly a baseball cap came flying out of nowhere and hit Mr. D in the forehead. His evil laughter came to a painfully abrupt stop as he fell over, unconscious.

I sat up and somebody hugged me from behind. "Percy! Are you OK?"

I turned around. "Annabeth! How ya doin', babe?" I was so happy to see her luscious sandy blonde hair again. I stood up. "How did you find me so quickly?"

"Because of this." She pulled out her phone and opened up her Twitter. She scrolled down for a moment and then showed me a tweet from Mr. D, which was a picture of me appearing dead. He had photoshopped blood all over my chest and face and a puddle of it on the ground around me. His comment said, "Behold, the mighty Peter Johnson has succumbed to my awesome power! #suchafatty #emo #iaminvincible #whosthechosenonenow #hereallyneedstoloseweight #teamDftw #helooksweird #nofilter #potatofarmsarefortheweak #loser #ihavedonetheworldafavor #poseidonaintwatchinoverhimnow #grapesofwrath."

"He really is full of himself, isn't he?" I said.

She nodded in agreement. "So...why are you here at Walmart, Percy? Don't the people here creep you out?"

"Yeah...but I had to come here. I have to buy some tools to get started on my new call in life." I looked at her with sincere solemnity. "Annabeth...I'm starting a potato farm."

She looked like she wasn't sure what to think. "So that explains Mr. D's potato farm hash tag...Percy, I don't know...potatoes are kind of lame...they're too...Idaho. You know? I mean...don't you want to grow something cool? Like corn? All the kids are eating corn these days."

I smiled and nodded enthusiastically. "We can grow corn, too, my dearest! Annabeth...you and I together can grow the most powerful farm in the universe! Together, we can dominate the farming market. Together, we can rule the galaxy!"

She grinned. "OK!"

"WAIT! STOP!" Mr. D awoke. "Such lame vegetables..."

"Well...Mr. D...technically, potatoes are a type of starch..." Annabeth reminded him.

He shrugged. "Anyway...my point is...you must also grow grapes, the most divine crop. I will help you. I will join you."

Annabeth and I looked at each other and smiled. We both nodded. "Alright."

We all put our hands together and shouted on the count of three, "Go team farming!"

We got all of the farming tools we needed and left Walmart with a new brightness in our eyes.


	5. Chapter 5: We Face a Candy Crisis

PJPF Chapter 5: We Face a Candy Crisis

Annabeth, Mr. D, and I sang Christmas carols as we walked towards the front of Walmart to pay for the farming equipment.

"Deck the hall with boughs of holly," sang Annabeth. Then Mr. D and I sang, "Fa la la la la, la la la la."

"Tis the season to be jolly..."

"...fa la la la la, la la la la..."

We continued to sing until we got in line to pay and this frail old lady with a slight hunch in her back turned around and glared at us.

"I hate Christmas!" she screamed with a strange likeness to the Grinch.

She turned back around and we all looked at each other and shrugged. So we decided we would sing a song about potatoes instead.

"Percy Jackson had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on that farm he grew potatoes, E-I-E-I-O," I sang. "With some starch, starch, here, and some starch, starch, there. Here, some starch, there, some starch, everywhere some starch, starch...Percy Jackson had a farm, E-I-E-I-O."

Then Annabeth sang. "Percy Jackson had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on that farm he grew some corn, E-I-E-I-O. With a kernel here, and a kernel there. Here a kernel, there a kernel, everywhere some kernels. Percy Jackson had a farm, E-I-E-I-O."

"Peter Johnson had a farm, I really hate his guts. And on that farm, I grew some grapes, good thing one of us is smart. With a grapevine here, and a grapevine there, here a vine, there a vine, everywhere some grapevines. Peter Johnson had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!" Mr. D sang.

Then the old lady spun around once again in fury. She screeched, "Percy Jackson, come to die, E-I-E-I-O. I'm not really an old lady, I'm a mythical monster. Look at my claws, look at my feathers. I have some pointy teeth, which I'll use to eat you. Percy Jackson, come to die, E-I-E-I-O!" She pulled off her ragged cloth to reveal her hideous bird form.

We all gasped. She was just about to bite my head off when Annabeth yelled, "Wait! Stop!"

She paused. "And why should I do that, little girl? Stupid, stupid, stupid girl!"

Annabeth's eyes filled with tears. "I am not stupid, nor am I triple-stupid. In fact, I am Athena's daughter and I am very smart. I am so smart that I can solve any riddle you have for me."

The monster smiled. "Alright. If you're so smart, stupid girl...how about this: if you solve my riddle, I will let your boyfriend go. If you answer incorrectly or go over the time limit of one minute, then I will dissect him right before your very eyes, and then you are next."

I found it typical that Mr. D was just hanging out in the corner, not caring nor doing anything about the situation. He didn't even look at us, as he was focused on cleaning the lint and dirt out of his fingernails.

Annabeth gave a sly smile. "Bring it on, you disastrous thing."

The bird monster smiled. "What is two plus two?"

Annabeth laughed. "Fish."

The monster gasped. "How...how did you know?"

"I'm not stupid, you know," she reminded the monster.

"Actually, solve another one," the monster said in desperation. "What is the capital of Canada?"

"The letter 'C,'" Annabeth answered.

The monster was so upset that Annabeth knew the answer that she exploded into dust, leaving behind only her claws, which were clutching three candy bars.

"Yummy!" I exclaimed as I reached for the Twix.

Annabeth slapped my hand. "Percy, I should get the Twix. I did save your life just now, after all. You can have the Hershey's or the Almond Joy."

I sighed. "Fine. I'll take the Hershey's."

It was to my astonishment that, by the time I had reached down for the Hershey's bar, Mr. D had already devoured it.

"Dang it! I'm allergic to coconut!" I screamed as loud as I possibly could.

This little girl looked at me funny.

"What are you looking at?" I screamed at her. She began to cry.

"Percy...don't be a baby. I'll buy you a Twix if you really want me to," Annabeth said.

She gave the Almond Joy to the little girl, but that only made her cry harder.

Mr. D rolled his eyes. "For a daughter of Athena, you're pretty dumb not to know that everyone hates Almond Joys."

"Well then, why don't YOU eat it, Mr. Dummy!" she yelled.

"That wouldn't make any sense, Annabeth...he just said that everyone hates Almond Joys...and that would include him, too," I said. Yet...somehow, as I had spoken, Mr. D had already consumed that as well. "Guess not..." I muttered.

We finally purchased our farming equipment and Annabeth bought me a Twix, which I ate faster than Mr. D had eaten the Hershey's.


End file.
